Random thoughts!

I took a walk in the middle of the night to figure out a way to stop the pain in my heart that has now become a very common thing... I sat on top of the hill looking at the bay and the lights and tried to stream my thoughts... i'm not very successful at that... if i was i wouldn't be having the pain...

I spent a few moments chanting the "gayatri mantra" which is the one way that I try to take my mind off all the things that are bothering me... and then I remembered a quote which I had written for a friend years ago (in class 10... just before boards I think)... and I guess that was my answer...

"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

Till now I used to get most of my answers from Atlas Shrugged... and some from my boyfriend... but today... for the first time... I got it from prayer... I never considered myself a religious person... I was always fighting with God till a few months ago when I first asked him for something... (it wasn't for me... I was asking for the well being of a loved one)... after that I have started turning to prayer more often... it may have started with realizing how peaceful chanting the gayatri mantra made me before starting yoga... I have done in many times when I could not sleep... today... for the first time I did it when my heart was not at rest...

Maybe I am finally becoming spiritual... not religious mind you... because I dint have any particular God in mind... but just looking for someone to help me out I guess!

The questions will never end!

Its been a while since I posted anything (the last post reminded me exactly how long). There have been so many time when I wanted to add something but I just couldn't find the time (worst excuse ever). But today... I just need to get the hundreds of questions swimming in my head out... so here goes...
- why am i here?
- am i good enough?
- does he imagine me to be someone else at times?
- what's going to come out of this?
- how do i find happiness?
- how can i love someone so much and still be scared to love?
- how do i hide?
- how do i disappear?
- why does my heart hurt?
- why do i cry for no reason at all?
- how can i make everyone happy?

The questions will never end!

If I were a song which one would I be?

For a long time I thought it was "Beautiful Girl" by INXS but not anymore! Now I think I can't be a song -- because such a complicated song cant be written!

There is a girl...

There was a girl I knew - carefree and happy... her life revolved around her dad and her friends and riding her bike till the street lights came on.
There was a girl I knew - sad and confused... a new place and unknown faces... she missed the freedom but luckily there was a new friend.
There was a girl I knew - strong and unafraid... atleast on the outside... she ventured into a new life... away from family... to start a new life... with new friends.
There was a girl I knew - quiet and composed... she felt alone with her friends... yet she smiled and faced the world.
There was a girl I knew - heartbroken and hurt... her dreams were shattered... her thoughts were drifting... she had never been out of control before.
There was a girl I knew - wild and bad... she was out to have fun... without letting anything or anyone come in her way.
There was a girl I knew - aimless and lost... what had become of her... what did she want... where was she going.
There was a girl I knew - with hope and belief... she was waiting to be saved... to be brought back to life... to find her self.
There is a girl I know - carefree and happy - sad and confused - strong and unafraid - quiet and composed - heartbroken and hurt - wild and bad - aimless and lost - with hope and belief... I see her everyday... and I tell myself... she'll survive!

Rainbows!

Early morning cross country at Ooty... it was so tedious to get yourself out of bed... shivering... down the winding roads we ran... to see not one but three rainbows over the hills... (Xan described it very eloquently in a poem she wrote a few days later... I should get a copy of that)

What does a rainbow signify? A pot of gold at the other end? Or a link between Earth and Heaven?

According to Wordsworth...

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

(Yeah... I'm a big Wordsworth fan!)

Many years later... walking down yet another winding road... lost (and
found at the same time)... light rain... shivering... I found another
rainbow... Again I didn't know what to think or feel... except this
calm which took over me... and I found myself humming to the tune...

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true  

I want to change life!

I remember in my few days at LSR... we had an assignment where we had to write "The Story of My Life"... I found my essay a couple of years ago - a rough draft which consisted of my memories - my experiences - my learnings! So now "life" is "experiences" and that is what I want to do - I want to design experiences - whether its the experience of architecture or a product or media or a service... it is our interaction with the things around us that change our life!

jack-of-all-trades

It's been a month since my last post... the "to be continued..." has nothing more to say (as yet)... I guess I'm just waiting!
Sometimes we lose interest in the middle of things... sometimes we lose ourselves in the tangled web that we weave... either ways, a lot of our thoughts and dreams remain unsaid and incomplete... sometimes even unthought!
I remember getting a lot of flak as a kid because I would very enthusiastically take up a project (whether it was learning how to dance or building a lego structure) and never quite get through with it... I would lose interest mid-way and things would just be lying around the house... but the good side was... I would lose interest to something else... I would want to try my hand at something new... I guess experimenation started early on in life!
At school I had people telling me that at the rate I was going I would be a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none... although I did master quite a few of them... its not that being "jack" did not teach me anything... every task that you undertake - barring whether you finish it or not - does teach you the basics... and what can one really do about people like me with short attention spans?
[ok... my attention span is not that short... I have done things that I really liked for atleast four years... be it piano or photography or basketball]
At college - I lost myself!
One question that I get a lot is that why did I not join an architecture firm on graduating... did I get bored? Maybe... a little... but more than that it was because I did not find an architecture firm that wanted to change this world... and that is what I want to do... in my own idealistic way I want to change the way people live... I took it quite literally and did architecture... I thought I would go to third world countries and build houses and public institutions... but now I have realised that there is no one particular way to change the world... we need people who can think in different directions... who dream but take action too... who want to do well but are socially responsible... who have varied interests in humanities and philosphy and design and science and many other disciplines... now is the time for the "jack-of-all-trades" to come and master the world!

For you!

The truth hurts
But what hurts more
Is the fact
That I believe no more

I still worry
I still care
Only to hear you
Say "Why? What's there?"

Its not easy
Its not fair
But you should know
That I'll still be there

I'm not selfish
I don't hate
I just need to
Sit and wait

to be continued

Someone's stolen my words!

I've been sitting here for quite a while now... there are things I want to write about... but in the past half an hour... all I've done is written a couple of sentences... and then "backspace"... and then I try again... but am still not satisfied... I know what I want to say... I know what I want people to know... why can't I find the words?

MEMORIES

... of holding your hand while walking
and sitting on your shoulders when tired
... of receiving your little sketches with every letter
and waiting for the weekends to see you
... of getting to sleep in your room ever saturday
and watching tv through the night
... of waking up early to watch you play cricket
and crying when you lost a game
... of building a "ravan" for dussera
and getting totally dirty at holi
... of sketching on the floor while you worked
and holding them up for appreciation
... of never getting to say goodbye properly
and that "I Love You" more than ever
... of not being able to hug you when I'm scared
yet always know that you're there

I miss you... I hope you're proud of me!

when you lose your faith... again

i was a seven year old girl who stopped believing in god... who started to question his existence... or rather... questioned his actions... there were so many unanswered questions which grew along with the years... that soon i was a girl without faith...
and then... over the last few years... i started looking without the accusations... and found answers in simple things... the world through the eyes of another five year old girl taught me to open my mind... and conversations with special people taught me to believe again...
today... i find myself losing that faith again... as i lose the people who i believe in... or rather... who taught me to believe...
will i ever find it again?

ugh!

There is nothing worse than finally finding the courage to write about your feelings and just as you push "PUBLISH" the wifi disconnects and you lose your text... well... the feelings are still there... i'll put them down onto paper again a little later.

PENSIVE!

Lost in a crowd.
People talking out loud.
Distant cries in my ears.
Scared? A little.
Sad? A lot.
Lonely? Always.

A sinking feeling in my heart
Began to push it through my brain
I tried not to let it part
But it began to fall with the rain
Amdist this turmoil there was this sudden calm
When you caught my teardrop in your palm

thought this in the middle of the night... and saved into onto an sms... i was lost and lonely and had been shivering... suddenly i felt warm... there are always signs to show you that you are never alone!

Show Me The Way

When life seems very tough and all dreams seem too distant to achieve... I need you to hold me close... you dont have to say it'll be ok if you dont think it will... you dont have to come up with consoling words to make me feel better... I just need you to share the silence with me... and walk beside me while I take the next step... Can you?

Last Day On Earth

There comes a time in everyone's life when you realize that life is so unpredictable. A few ago this thought came into my mind - What if today was my last day on earth? What if I were to die? Would it make a difference to anybody? Have I touched anyone's life that deeply?
There are so many dreams I have... so many things I want to do... so if I don't get to live my dreams... should I consider my life to be incomplete?
I have had a nice life... its surprising that I am saying that today... usually I always want something more... but I'm looking at life from a different perspective now. I have the most wonderful family - Papa - who pampered me in every way that he could, Ma - who gave me the best of everything... she's the strongest person I've known, Eesh - who fought with me like every kid bro does... and has his own way of showing me that he loves me.
I've had the best friends anyone could ever ask for... and more importantly... we grew up together... but never grew out of each other!
I have had those instances that every girl wants - first crush... first love (and then many more)... the first (and only) guy I asked out (and was turned down by)... people who have taken care of me... people who have let me care for them... everyone person in my life has taught me something... and if I were to die... I will be taking these lessons of life with me!
Yes... I do have dreams... there are many things I still have to do... but if I were to die today... I would die happy... and I will not want the people around me to be sad! I know its every parents nightmare to lose their child... and they will always question - Why her? Why not me? I know every brother/sister is going to think about everytime they fought and wish they had said "I love you" more often... I know every boyfriend will be devastated if he were to lose his girfriend... but life has to go on... and I would have loved him eternally... and losing a friend is probably the worst of all... coz every relationship begins with friendship...
I dont wanna sound too philosophical... but I do believe that death is the celebration of life... and I would want everyone whose life I have touched to celebrate with me!

A little note for the people of my life - there are a few things I would like to say... incase this unpredictable life decides to end for me... I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I have caused... Thank you for all the memories you have given me - both good and bad - coz they have taught me to appreciate life... and I Love You - I may not say it enough - but I Love You - and always will!

Bangalore City

For those who know me... they know how much I love this place... Spinn... TGIF... basketball... jeweler's street... Bangalore has been home for longer than I can remember!
And those who really know me... they know how apprehansive I am about finally living here!
Can a person feel two totally contrasting emotions at the same time? Can you love and hate the same person? Can you laugh and cry? (no... i'm not talking about khushi ke aasoon!)
I thoroughly enjoy my work... come back home at the end of the day with this satisfaction of finally taking a step towards my dreams... at the same time... every road I travel upon takes me back in time... I am 7 again... and I miss the Bangalore I knew so well... cycling on the empty roads of the Air Force Station at Yelahanka... carefree days with friends who have just disappeared from my life... like almost everything else from that time!
I still am not sure if I can survive the memories... but I am not going back so soon... although i dont believe in myself as much as I did a few years back... I have faith in those who believe in me! I'll be ok!

Where do dreams come from?

Its quite normal for me to wake up in the middle of the night (after just about a couple of hours of sleep) and find my brain working overtime! No matter what time of the day it is... the first thing I try to recall as I wake up is... what did I dream about? Had read it somewhere that if you try to recall your dreams first thing in the morning... the chances of you remembering them are higher!
This morning when I woke up (ok... I'm not talking about right now... its still midnight in my sleep cycle... or rather early evening... I'm talking about getting up at 3pm on the 22nd of September)... I had a big smile on my face till I remembered my dream. I had had some ghastly nightmare about snakes... and those who know me know that I'm shit scared of them...(Ophiophobia... GRE vocab did help somewhere!) Now I know where that dream came from... Lately every damn channel has been playing the trailer of "Snakes on a Plane" and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to miss seeing it... Now that is some tv which should come with a warning!
But its not these dreams that are a puzzle to me right now... I have figured out that most of my nightmares (as well as the good dreams) come out of stuff that I have read over the past few days... or discussed with pepole... or seen on tv! Nah... I'm talking about the dreams and the aspirations... the goals of my life.. where did they come from?
I have a big meeting tomorrow and I know one of the first questions is going to be "What are your future plans? Why do you want to do product design?" I'm trying to figure out a good answer... (I need it for my SOP too!) So i thought... well... lets try to find out where it all started? When did I decide that I wanna do Product Design? After a lot of sleepless nights I have narrowed that down to sometime while I was doing my practical training at Delhi! "Wow! Was the place so good?" Actually... I hate to say this... but it was what I did not learn at the office that taught me what I wanted... and it was what I did there that made me realise that this is not the kind of life I wanna lead... (No offence to JRA here... I did some top notch work which are going to be the key slides of my portfolio!) The next question is most obviously going to be - "Why did you do architecture then?" I remember the juror who came to grade us on our practical training telling me that I had wasted a seat in the college... and that someone who really wanted to do architecture could have been studying there instead of me! I was quite upset then... it lasted for a couple of days after which I said "Bullshit! Design is design and I deserve to be here!"
But we are digressing here... I was supposed to be writing about my dreams... and these are just paths to achieving it... I know "architecture just happened"... there was no guiding light or highlighted letters telling me that this is what I want to do... But a person cannot live without a purpose for very long... (well.. atleast I cannot!)... So somewhere along the line I had to sit down and actually think about what I wanted to do in life... I had done journalism for 45 days before shifting to architecture... Media fascinated me... but so did architecture and products... Now what do these things have in common? Why do I like them? What attracted me to them? Yes.. there is creativity involved on all three... but more than that... its about communication... be it written or visual... people use these to express themselves... and what do I want to do? I want to design these statements! This design could be for a person, a company or even a country... but I want every design of mine to reflect the experience and express the dreams! And that is what I want to learn... "Where do dreams come from?"

it's not love but it's an awful lot like it

There is something about these romantic movies that just make you wanna hug someone... :)
I just watched A LOT LIKE LOVE. Now, the first thing that I had read about it was that its rip off of "When Harry Met Sally". I am a big time Meg Ryan fan... the affair started with "Addicted to Love" which I remember watching as a thirteen year old! Ten years down the line... I still cry through "Sleepless in Seattle". Daisies are my favorite flowers and I wanted a copy of "A Moveable Feast" after watching "City of Angels".
Anyways... I just had to see this movie today... but I must admit... I thought it would be another one of those boring cheesy romantic movies which leave no footprint in your heart. I was wrong! The tag-line itself has given me a lot to think about! it goes like... "There's nothing better than a great romance... to ruin a perfectly good friendship." It'll take me sometime to figure that one out... coz there have been a couple of friends who became a lot more than just friends... and now are not only ex-boyfriends but ex-friends too... So now I'm kinda skeptical about making the first move when it comes to friends... "Strike One"!!!
Anyways... the one dialogue that I really liked... and one that is gonna stay with me for a long time is... "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love."
Will leave it at that for now! Dont wanna sound stupid! :)

I'm scared!

I'm scared... of being in love!
I'm scared... of losing you!
I'm scared... of smiling!
I'm scared... of being sad!
I'm scared... of being ALONE!