If I were a song which one would I be?

For a long time I thought it was "Beautiful Girl" by INXS but not anymore! Now I think I can't be a song -- because such a complicated song cant be written!

There is a girl...

There was a girl I knew - carefree and happy... her life revolved around her dad and her friends and riding her bike till the street lights came on.
There was a girl I knew - sad and confused... a new place and unknown faces... she missed the freedom but luckily there was a new friend.
There was a girl I knew - strong and unafraid... atleast on the outside... she ventured into a new life... away from family... to start a new life... with new friends.
There was a girl I knew - quiet and composed... she felt alone with her friends... yet she smiled and faced the world.
There was a girl I knew - heartbroken and hurt... her dreams were shattered... her thoughts were drifting... she had never been out of control before.
There was a girl I knew - wild and bad... she was out to have fun... without letting anything or anyone come in her way.
There was a girl I knew - aimless and lost... what had become of her... what did she want... where was she going.
There was a girl I knew - with hope and belief... she was waiting to be saved... to be brought back to life... to find her self.
There is a girl I know - carefree and happy - sad and confused - strong and unafraid - quiet and composed - heartbroken and hurt - wild and bad - aimless and lost - with hope and belief... I see her everyday... and I tell myself... she'll survive!

Rainbows!

Early morning cross country at Ooty... it was so tedious to get yourself out of bed... shivering... down the winding roads we ran... to see not one but three rainbows over the hills... (Xan described it very eloquently in a poem she wrote a few days later... I should get a copy of that)

What does a rainbow signify? A pot of gold at the other end? Or a link between Earth and Heaven?

According to Wordsworth...

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

(Yeah... I'm a big Wordsworth fan!)

Many years later... walking down yet another winding road... lost (and
found at the same time)... light rain... shivering... I found another
rainbow... Again I didn't know what to think or feel... except this
calm which took over me... and I found myself humming to the tune...

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true  

I want to change life!

I remember in my few days at LSR... we had an assignment where we had to write "The Story of My Life"... I found my essay a couple of years ago - a rough draft which consisted of my memories - my experiences - my learnings! So now "life" is "experiences" and that is what I want to do - I want to design experiences - whether its the experience of architecture or a product or media or a service... it is our interaction with the things around us that change our life!

jack-of-all-trades

It's been a month since my last post... the "to be continued..." has nothing more to say (as yet)... I guess I'm just waiting!
Sometimes we lose interest in the middle of things... sometimes we lose ourselves in the tangled web that we weave... either ways, a lot of our thoughts and dreams remain unsaid and incomplete... sometimes even unthought!
I remember getting a lot of flak as a kid because I would very enthusiastically take up a project (whether it was learning how to dance or building a lego structure) and never quite get through with it... I would lose interest mid-way and things would just be lying around the house... but the good side was... I would lose interest to something else... I would want to try my hand at something new... I guess experimenation started early on in life!
At school I had people telling me that at the rate I was going I would be a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none... although I did master quite a few of them... its not that being "jack" did not teach me anything... every task that you undertake - barring whether you finish it or not - does teach you the basics... and what can one really do about people like me with short attention spans?
[ok... my attention span is not that short... I have done things that I really liked for atleast four years... be it piano or photography or basketball]
At college - I lost myself!
One question that I get a lot is that why did I not join an architecture firm on graduating... did I get bored? Maybe... a little... but more than that it was because I did not find an architecture firm that wanted to change this world... and that is what I want to do... in my own idealistic way I want to change the way people live... I took it quite literally and did architecture... I thought I would go to third world countries and build houses and public institutions... but now I have realised that there is no one particular way to change the world... we need people who can think in different directions... who dream but take action too... who want to do well but are socially responsible... who have varied interests in humanities and philosphy and design and science and many other disciplines... now is the time for the "jack-of-all-trades" to come and master the world!

For you!

The truth hurts
But what hurts more
Is the fact
That I believe no more

I still worry
I still care
Only to hear you
Say "Why? What's there?"

Its not easy
Its not fair
But you should know
That I'll still be there

I'm not selfish
I don't hate
I just need to
Sit and wait

to be continued

Someone's stolen my words!

I've been sitting here for quite a while now... there are things I want to write about... but in the past half an hour... all I've done is written a couple of sentences... and then "backspace"... and then I try again... but am still not satisfied... I know what I want to say... I know what I want people to know... why can't I find the words?

MEMORIES

... of holding your hand while walking
and sitting on your shoulders when tired
... of receiving your little sketches with every letter
and waiting for the weekends to see you
... of getting to sleep in your room ever saturday
and watching tv through the night
... of waking up early to watch you play cricket
and crying when you lost a game
... of building a "ravan" for dussera
and getting totally dirty at holi
... of sketching on the floor while you worked
and holding them up for appreciation
... of never getting to say goodbye properly
and that "I Love You" more than ever
... of not being able to hug you when I'm scared
yet always know that you're there

I miss you... I hope you're proud of me!

when you lose your faith... again

i was a seven year old girl who stopped believing in god... who started to question his existence... or rather... questioned his actions... there were so many unanswered questions which grew along with the years... that soon i was a girl without faith...
and then... over the last few years... i started looking without the accusations... and found answers in simple things... the world through the eyes of another five year old girl taught me to open my mind... and conversations with special people taught me to believe again...
today... i find myself losing that faith again... as i lose the people who i believe in... or rather... who taught me to believe...
will i ever find it again?

ugh!

There is nothing worse than finally finding the courage to write about your feelings and just as you push "PUBLISH" the wifi disconnects and you lose your text... well... the feelings are still there... i'll put them down onto paper again a little later.