Random thoughts!

I took a walk in the middle of the night to figure out a way to stop the pain in my heart that has now become a very common thing... I sat on top of the hill looking at the bay and the lights and tried to stream my thoughts... i'm not very successful at that... if i was i wouldn't be having the pain...

I spent a few moments chanting the "gayatri mantra" which is the one way that I try to take my mind off all the things that are bothering me... and then I remembered a quote which I had written for a friend years ago (in class 10... just before boards I think)... and I guess that was my answer...

"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

Till now I used to get most of my answers from Atlas Shrugged... and some from my boyfriend... but today... for the first time... I got it from prayer... I never considered myself a religious person... I was always fighting with God till a few months ago when I first asked him for something... (it wasn't for me... I was asking for the well being of a loved one)... after that I have started turning to prayer more often... it may have started with realizing how peaceful chanting the gayatri mantra made me before starting yoga... I have done in many times when I could not sleep... today... for the first time I did it when my heart was not at rest...

Maybe I am finally becoming spiritual... not religious mind you... because I dint have any particular God in mind... but just looking for someone to help me out I guess!

The questions will never end!

Its been a while since I posted anything (the last post reminded me exactly how long). There have been so many time when I wanted to add something but I just couldn't find the time (worst excuse ever). But today... I just need to get the hundreds of questions swimming in my head out... so here goes...
- why am i here?
- am i good enough?
- does he imagine me to be someone else at times?
- what's going to come out of this?
- how do i find happiness?
- how can i love someone so much and still be scared to love?
- how do i hide?
- how do i disappear?
- why does my heart hurt?
- why do i cry for no reason at all?
- how can i make everyone happy?

The questions will never end!