Sometime's it's easier to let music make you cry!

3 Doors Down -- "When I'm gone"

There's another world inside of me

That you may never see

There're secrets in this life

That I can't hide

Somewhere in this darkness

There's a light that I can't find

Maybe it's too far away...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And love me when I'm gone

Everything I am

And everything in me

Wants to be the one

You wanted me to be

I'll never let you down

Even if I could

I'd give up everything

If only for your good

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

You can hold me when I'm scared

You won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone

From The Far Pavillions by M.M.Kaye

“Oh Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations:

Thou are everywhere, but I worship thee here;

Thou art without form, but I worship thee in these forms;

Thou needest no praise, yet I offer thee these prayers and salutations.

Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations.”

Random thoughts!

I took a walk in the middle of the night to figure out a way to stop the pain in my heart that has now become a very common thing... I sat on top of the hill looking at the bay and the lights and tried to stream my thoughts... i'm not very successful at that... if i was i wouldn't be having the pain...

I spent a few moments chanting the "gayatri mantra" which is the one way that I try to take my mind off all the things that are bothering me... and then I remembered a quote which I had written for a friend years ago (in class 10... just before boards I think)... and I guess that was my answer...

"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

Till now I used to get most of my answers from Atlas Shrugged... and some from my boyfriend... but today... for the first time... I got it from prayer... I never considered myself a religious person... I was always fighting with God till a few months ago when I first asked him for something... (it wasn't for me... I was asking for the well being of a loved one)... after that I have started turning to prayer more often... it may have started with realizing how peaceful chanting the gayatri mantra made me before starting yoga... I have done in many times when I could not sleep... today... for the first time I did it when my heart was not at rest...

Maybe I am finally becoming spiritual... not religious mind you... because I dint have any particular God in mind... but just looking for someone to help me out I guess!

The questions will never end!

Its been a while since I posted anything (the last post reminded me exactly how long). There have been so many time when I wanted to add something but I just couldn't find the time (worst excuse ever). But today... I just need to get the hundreds of questions swimming in my head out... so here goes...
- why am i here?
- am i good enough?
- does he imagine me to be someone else at times?
- what's going to come out of this?
- how do i find happiness?
- how can i love someone so much and still be scared to love?
- how do i hide?
- how do i disappear?
- why does my heart hurt?
- why do i cry for no reason at all?
- how can i make everyone happy?

The questions will never end!

If I were a song which one would I be?

For a long time I thought it was "Beautiful Girl" by INXS but not anymore! Now I think I can't be a song -- because such a complicated song cant be written!

There is a girl...

There was a girl I knew - carefree and happy... her life revolved around her dad and her friends and riding her bike till the street lights came on.
There was a girl I knew - sad and confused... a new place and unknown faces... she missed the freedom but luckily there was a new friend.
There was a girl I knew - strong and unafraid... atleast on the outside... she ventured into a new life... away from family... to start a new life... with new friends.
There was a girl I knew - quiet and composed... she felt alone with her friends... yet she smiled and faced the world.
There was a girl I knew - heartbroken and hurt... her dreams were shattered... her thoughts were drifting... she had never been out of control before.
There was a girl I knew - wild and bad... she was out to have fun... without letting anything or anyone come in her way.
There was a girl I knew - aimless and lost... what had become of her... what did she want... where was she going.
There was a girl I knew - with hope and belief... she was waiting to be saved... to be brought back to life... to find her self.
There is a girl I know - carefree and happy - sad and confused - strong and unafraid - quiet and composed - heartbroken and hurt - wild and bad - aimless and lost - with hope and belief... I see her everyday... and I tell myself... she'll survive!

Rainbows!

Early morning cross country at Ooty... it was so tedious to get yourself out of bed... shivering... down the winding roads we ran... to see not one but three rainbows over the hills... (Xan described it very eloquently in a poem she wrote a few days later... I should get a copy of that)

What does a rainbow signify? A pot of gold at the other end? Or a link between Earth and Heaven?

According to Wordsworth...

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

(Yeah... I'm a big Wordsworth fan!)

Many years later... walking down yet another winding road... lost (and
found at the same time)... light rain... shivering... I found another
rainbow... Again I didn't know what to think or feel... except this
calm which took over me... and I found myself humming to the tune...

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true